bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
