Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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