then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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