You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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