Umm I'm too high to move.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
