dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
