i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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