I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
