if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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