I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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