I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
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i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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