Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
