Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
