I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just googled if crying burns calories
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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