Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
