We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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