You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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