apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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