We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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