Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
