i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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