Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
