dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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