Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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