I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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