70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Let's paint friendship bongs
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
