So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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