Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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