Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
