I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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