Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
