I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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