Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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