wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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