i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i dont even know how to be here
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
