I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
