do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
