can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
