Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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