I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Randomize
