Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
