party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
