he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
