walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
