its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
