Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
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like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize