I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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