god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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