Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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