My cat gives me a boner
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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