That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
